long time jack!

its been AWHILE since i last posted my last post (is this sentence correct?) haha. ok it sounds so wrong even IF it was correct. and yeah, that was it. i feel like ive left this blogging world for like, ages. literally. like all of sudden, the blogging-mode struck me and tadaaa! hehehe... (i absolutely have no idea why i act this way so do not ask me). well, my previous posts have been sort of in sorrow, emotional time. maybe it is because i always felt like writing when i was in the doldrums. it kinda calm me down as i can type it all out and like, get everything out of my chest. i know that no one might read it, but they are all written simply because writing's been like a therapy to me whenever i needed it. and at the same time, it could help me in my writing skills as this is the section which i am very poor in. i think this might be caused by the lack of writing, compared to when i was in secondary school, writing had been nothing to me and to make an essay, was just like snapping my finger (sound so cocky). but it has completely transformed when i entered university. my writing got worse, and looking at my other friends' writing was like a wake-up call to me as i realised that my way of using the language have left like, way behind. to make things clear, im actually taking a degree in Language and Linguistic, and im majoring in English and that is why this whole thing is like, huge and important to me. u might get shocked knowing it coz i dont sound like a major in English, do i? well i have to admit that i did improve since the day i first stepped into this university. but im still very worried of my very limited-range of vocabulary and my grammar. so..im hoping that by blogging it will somehow contribute something to my performance in class :)

shit happens

so today ive got my 3rd sem's results. and it was as horrible as i could imagine. stil, im grateful that i passed all the subjects. but it was just so sad to see that those subjects that i used to target, turned out really bad. or say maybe lower than i expected. so enough said bout my results. im over it. but, wut did really put me into tears was my parents reaction. as usual, my results have always been such an issue to my family, as im the only child, and my studies is just so so so important to my parents. im not saying that others' who have siblings are not, but theres just bigger hope and and pressure to me. and that when i received such results, it sort of brings a solemn atmosphere, awkward situation and also grief into my house. well guess wut, i've never ever wanter things to be like this. its not that i didn't do revision for my exams, i did. but, i guess hard works never really paid off. all the burn-the-midnight-oil and the 1hr-sleep on the night before the exam, were not good enough..everything was just bullshit. i love to put it like this, as if maybe God wanted to show me something behind all this. i keep telling myself that maybe this is just the beginning, as i almost gave up just now. or maybe this is a punishment to all the sins ive done for the my whole life. however everything has happened. and to ummi and abah, im so sorry for everything. i've let you down while you were fulfilling all my wishes...

20

it feels like yesterday when i turned 19. and now im officially 20 (or more as in few days older, to be exact) and i still dun feel like it. since my birthday is on november which happens to be in the end of year holiday, im used to spend my birthday at home, with my family. and its like a must, on the day itself, my abah will wish me a happy birthday right after i woke up and ask for this year's goal that i might have set. and again, as a must, i might take few mins to ans the question as clearly i have no idea wuts my goal in life, despite the typical ones which is to study harder than before. but this time, it was like a wake up call after i had no idea what to respond to my father's ques. suprisingly, im already twenty and i dunno what is my goal. i was pretty upset as this one ambitious lil' girl's face had just popped into my mind. and that lil girl was me. i still rmmber when i was around 11,12 and my umi asked me to stop playing netball (as i was so into sports during those days) and to focus on my academic life. but it didnt affect me at all eventhough my whole family didnt show any support for me in order to make me stop playing sports, coz they were afraid that i was not going to be able to balance up both sports and studies. i stil rmmber i didn quit playing netball as i told myself that i wil work as hard as i can to prove that im good at everything. and the hard works realy paid off. thank god i scored 5As in my UPSR and i was chosen to play at the state level in netball. i was so happy at that time. but that was it. after almost 10years, ive transformed to a complete new person. and the way i think about things, is now different. i no longer work hard for what i want to achieve, instead i just do half heartedly at almost everything. i suddenly feel like 'be good at everything i do' is no longer my motto line, instead i want to 'be the best at something'. aka have a speciality. and now i jus realised that i dun have one. im just quiet okay at everything, like im being a very ordinary girl that is living a normal life a 20 y.o girl should have. there's nothing that can make me stand out from the crowd. i have no skills. im not excellent at sports, neither studies. even my personality might be so bad sometimes i even hate myself. therefore i think those are the reason why i hate this birthday. i hate being 20y.o, as in a young woman, and not being best at anything. that really freaks me out. so i hope today might not be too late for me to set a new goal in my life. or maybe to bring out something good in me :D im gona start taking control of what i want to do and how i want things around me to be. hope it works out well. pray for me guys :)

love

i'm in love yet i dunno how to define love. well maybe that is called 'love'. undefinable. sometimes it could be so confusing we just want to quit. sometimes it could be so pleasant we wish we had never gotten out of it. but it all depends on our destiny. the right person that is destined to be with us might come or might not come. or if he/she eventually came, it would probably be at a very wrong time. therefore love might come with an unwelcome feelings like hatred and guilt. thats what i currently feel and that's what i'm going through. i feel guilty. i feel guilty to love. am i wrong to choose whos better and who deserves me more? is it just a cruel action to say goodbye to someone for someone who i actually really love? or isit just a feeling of missing all the sparkles in the relationship which makes me attracted to a new episod of my love life with someone else? should we be fair and let ourselves not feel happy just to please others? can we be selfish in order to feel satisfied?

however i believe, just because he doesn have the criteria that ive always wanted, that doesn make him a bad person. and if he had the sweetness and perfectness like someone else did, that still doesn make him a better person. well to be safe, i choose not to decide. let time does. coz we cant predict whats gonna happen in future. for now, i choose to be grateful for wut i have ;)

hatred

living my life in the hostel has taught me alot. ive discovered so many things about people, how mean they could be, how manipulative they could be, how bitchy they could be, how super nice they could be, how angelic they could be, blah blah blah. And trust me, those are the last things i would ever like to know. however i kno God shows me those things for a reason. He might want me to not be like them, which i really hope so.

i also learnt that people could be super duper kind and transformed to rigorous and heartless creatures in the next second. and that caused me to hate them as much as i used to like them.

thank you for being mean and not noticing it, thats just so pathetic for a person who complained ALOT about others.

awesome!

so luv quotations. haha. been dreaming to create one, but neva turned out well. n all of sudden it’l become so ironic i cant tel ya! haha..but yea, this is the best quotation ive ever found. its not so ironic but its gud enough to inspire ppl (big talk from me isnt it! haha) but yeah…go thru it n ur gona find it the same i did. n btw, its from mahatma ghandi.



CAREFULLY WATCH YOUR THOUGHTS FOR THEY WILL BECOME YOUR WORDS

MANAGE AND WATCH YOUR WORDS FOR THEY WILL BECOME YOUR ACTIONS

CONSIDER AND JUDGE YOUR ACTIONS FOR THEY HAVE BECOME YOUR HABITS

ACKNOWLEDGE AND WATCH YOUR HABITS FOR THEY SHALL BECOME YOUR VALUES

UNDERSTAND AND EMBRACE YOUR VALUES FOR THEY HAVE BECOME YOUR DESTINY.

pfft.

I always find myself as a thinker, not a brainy one though. I just like to sit, daydream and think about random things. My mind can hardly stop thinking even when I was watching telly, reading a book, during lectures etc. Eventhough I must say that I don’t think as those genius do, but stil, I think a lot. sumtymes it can be so distracting it makes me lose focus on wut I was doing at sum particular time. For example when I was happily enjoyed watching titanic, I cudn stop thinking on how the directors and how every scene has been shot. And the next thing I know, ive missed some important lines in the movie. Not only that, when Im on flight, I just cant stop thinking about how the plane was invented and how could a human being possibly think of making this heavy solid creature fly til I missed enjoying the mind blowing scenery from the sky. See? I think too much til i think im gona go crazy soon.or am i?