shit happens

so today ive got my 3rd sem's results. and it was as horrible as i could imagine. stil, im grateful that i passed all the subjects. but it was just so sad to see that those subjects that i used to target, turned out really bad. or say maybe lower than i expected. so enough said bout my results. im over it. but, wut did really put me into tears was my parents reaction. as usual, my results have always been such an issue to my family, as im the only child, and my studies is just so so so important to my parents. im not saying that others' who have siblings are not, but theres just bigger hope and and pressure to me. and that when i received such results, it sort of brings a solemn atmosphere, awkward situation and also grief into my house. well guess wut, i've never ever wanter things to be like this. its not that i didn't do revision for my exams, i did. but, i guess hard works never really paid off. all the burn-the-midnight-oil and the 1hr-sleep on the night before the exam, were not good enough..everything was just bullshit. i love to put it like this, as if maybe God wanted to show me something behind all this. i keep telling myself that maybe this is just the beginning, as i almost gave up just now. or maybe this is a punishment to all the sins ive done for the my whole life. however everything has happened. and to ummi and abah, im so sorry for everything. i've let you down while you were fulfilling all my wishes...

20

it feels like yesterday when i turned 19. and now im officially 20 (or more as in few days older, to be exact) and i still dun feel like it. since my birthday is on november which happens to be in the end of year holiday, im used to spend my birthday at home, with my family. and its like a must, on the day itself, my abah will wish me a happy birthday right after i woke up and ask for this year's goal that i might have set. and again, as a must, i might take few mins to ans the question as clearly i have no idea wuts my goal in life, despite the typical ones which is to study harder than before. but this time, it was like a wake up call after i had no idea what to respond to my father's ques. suprisingly, im already twenty and i dunno what is my goal. i was pretty upset as this one ambitious lil' girl's face had just popped into my mind. and that lil girl was me. i still rmmber when i was around 11,12 and my umi asked me to stop playing netball (as i was so into sports during those days) and to focus on my academic life. but it didnt affect me at all eventhough my whole family didnt show any support for me in order to make me stop playing sports, coz they were afraid that i was not going to be able to balance up both sports and studies. i stil rmmber i didn quit playing netball as i told myself that i wil work as hard as i can to prove that im good at everything. and the hard works realy paid off. thank god i scored 5As in my UPSR and i was chosen to play at the state level in netball. i was so happy at that time. but that was it. after almost 10years, ive transformed to a complete new person. and the way i think about things, is now different. i no longer work hard for what i want to achieve, instead i just do half heartedly at almost everything. i suddenly feel like 'be good at everything i do' is no longer my motto line, instead i want to 'be the best at something'. aka have a speciality. and now i jus realised that i dun have one. im just quiet okay at everything, like im being a very ordinary girl that is living a normal life a 20 y.o girl should have. there's nothing that can make me stand out from the crowd. i have no skills. im not excellent at sports, neither studies. even my personality might be so bad sometimes i even hate myself. therefore i think those are the reason why i hate this birthday. i hate being 20y.o, as in a young woman, and not being best at anything. that really freaks me out. so i hope today might not be too late for me to set a new goal in my life. or maybe to bring out something good in me :D im gona start taking control of what i want to do and how i want things around me to be. hope it works out well. pray for me guys :)